So, life seems to have changed a lot since the last time I was here. And I feel okay about that.

Joe and I are finally working towards actually being with each other. Finally. Feels like it's been a long time coming, feels unsteady, feels right, and feels warm in my body every time we're together. :)

And I'm trying to change myself internally. Through food. Again. I'm just trying to become better at food and eating. So I've been trying to come up with some good ideas on how to become a better eater, maybe drop five pounds, and be hot enough that I can maybe not be afraid to let Joe take my picture.

So I've come up with some ideas:

Try to eat at least one completely raw meal a day.
Eat more protein.
Run (I've gotten good at this. I ran fifteen miles last week!)
Stop eating anything with white sugar built into it.

Joe's on a sugar cleanse for candida. And he lost fifteen pounds. Fast. And I'm proud of him. But my body didn't get the same results when I tried it. I felt great, but my body didn't change, weight-wise. And I started eating Joe sized portions of everything when I was around him. So...that didn't help. But I want to give the sugar cleanse another go and see what happens. But I also just ate sixteen or more tater tots and I kind of want to die now. I don't know what happens. I want to eat healthy all the time, but sometimes I just can't find anything else to eat.

But...I need to keep keeping on. Because I know that even if I don't lose any weight, I can get stronger. So I'm going to keep running and I'm going to go to a Pilates class tonight. So there is still good things to be done with my body.

It's funny. I've never had the desire to run before now. But I can't seem to shake it. I took the day off from exercise yesterday and I have to admit, I feel a little strange. Who knew that I could become a convert so quickly?

It's Monday, which there are only three more days of working before I head out on vacation!!!! I haven't been on vacation in SO LONG. And I'm excited. Joe and I are going to go over to his cabin in the Methow Valley for four whole days of relaxation and playing in the snow. It's also Joe's 32nd birthday. Funny to think that he was just about my age when we met. Funny how the years fly right by us. And when I met him, I used to think he was so old, he was definitely the subject of my teenage fascination. And now...he's turned into my best friend. It's amazing how much Joe and I have both changed and grown in the past six years. And now...our very first real getaway together. I'm just blissed out at the idea. :)

Gotta go shower and clean up for work and throw all my stuff in my bag for running and Pilates tonight. Can't wait to get back into it!

 
Do I remember everything that I want?

Are my goals really attainable?
Do they really speak to who I am?

I have been struggling with the decision to teach.  I know it is supposed to overwhelm my life, take me over.  But there are so many other things in my life that I want to do.

I don't want to lose sight of them.  I need to remember what is important to me and what I want to achieve.

Buddha
Buddhism
Yoga Teaching Certification
Master's in Contemplative Education
Baking, Food
Culinary School
Family
Friends.  I want Melissa back.
Photography
Joe

Crap I Like To Eat

At the suggestion of Molly at Orangette, and since I am having trouble deciding what to have for dinner, I'm making a Crap I Like To East list. Which is quite different from the Crap I Like To Cook list.

Cupcakes
Roast Chicken
Noodles with Soy Sauce
Sushi
Pad Thai
Goat Cheese
Quesadillas
Corn Bread
Lamb
Tomato Sauce
French Omelets
Grilled fish with lemon
Carmelized Onions
Goulash
Tacos with Lime
Bacon
Caprese Salads
Lasagna Roll-Ups
Avocados
Pancakes
Fried tofu
Scallops
Hardboiled eggs with curry

Traditions

I have been thinking a lot about families and food and how they all play into each other to become traditions. And whenever I think about baking in terms of my family, I think about my father's mother. Billy and I used to hide in her kitchen when we went there every weekend because she dedicated the bottom drawer in her kitchen full of sugar. Not in packages. Just pull the drawer open and with the measuring cup in your hand and go for it. Billy and I used to sit on the floor and think we were being sneaky. Grandma never said anything though, she let us attack it all the time.

My grandma died just about two years ago. I know that it was the Friday before my graduation from college. And tomorrow is the Friday before my Master's graduation. When I think of her or hear any stories about her, they always center around food. How she used to send my dad into the backyard in the mornings to get eggs from chicken so she could make breakfast. She made her own bleu cheese salad dressing, made her own juices and jams she would store down in the basement and send my older sisters to get. Dad used to save his allowance to buy his own ketchup when he was less than ten years old because Grandma would make her own and he hated it. But at her funeral, a ton of the "neighbor kids," who are now well into their fifties and sixties, all showed up to talk about her popsicles and her baking.

Every conversation about her comes back to baking. She stopped baking when I was a kid, maybe when I was only ten or twelve, but I remember all of those cookies and cinnamon rolls when I was a kid. I can't describe the tastes anymore, but I can still taste them in my mouth. I have no idea what she did to them to make them taste like that, but they were perfect every time.

I woke up thinking about her this morning. And so I baked cinnamon rolls. I don't have her recipe. Maybe one of my aunts does, but I don't have any of her recipes for anything. So, I made the second best cinnamon rolls I've ever encountered. I used the recipe Molly Wizenberg from Orangette wrote about for Bon Appetit a few years ago. I've made them a few times, and they have always been delicious.

The only catch? I found out that I have celiac disease a few months ago, so wheat flour is out of the question. And I haven't had the courage to go for gluten-free baking yet. It's unnerves me a lot, all the different flours and measuring overwhelmed me. But I went for it today and I'm glad I did. They came out a little on the yeasty side - but if I put them back in the microwave for a few seconds before I eat them they get incredibly soft and sweet all over again.

I did spend a beautiful part of the afternoon watching a fabulous Italian movie with my beautiful friend Kira. Sorry I forgot to take pictures of dinner the other night. We ate it all before I thought of it.

But I did take some photos of the cinnamon rolls. It has taken a break from raining in Tacoma. Hopefully it will last through Sunday evening and graduation day will be beautiful!

I've been staying at my parents' house for the past few days. It feels good to escape out of Tacoma for a few days and head home to where things are simpler. Mom and I went out and hit up a couple grocery stores and I finally went to the gluten-free DaVinci Bakery for the first time. I picked up a loaf of their cinnamon bread and it's delicious.

Going there gave me the courage to finally break down and buy the xanthum gum to try my own hand at gluten free baking. It was expensive, but probably worth it. And every day, the weird itching desire in me to leave teaching and bake for people all the time gets stronger and stronger. I know that I'm not going to be a teacher forever. Unless something amazing happens, I won't be there forever. And I'm okay with that. I have a fidgety soul.

But I can tell you what will always be the same about me. Yoga. Cooking. Caprese salads. Goat cheese and pasta. Mussels in garlic and white wine.

I am finally cooking for Kira tomorrow. I'm so excited to have that girl around for dinner. She's interested in a lot of the same things I am: food, yoga, art. I like having people around me that remind me of the better parts of myself, like Kira...

I'll post some pictures from dinner tomorrow, I'm sure.

I'm exhausted. Joe is always on my case, no matter how hard I tell him to leave and it's driving me crazy. I just want him to shut up and leave me alone, but no matter what, every time I look up, he's still there.

And it's starting to kill me inside.

Intention for the Universe

I just want my happiness now, please. Do you hear me universe? Time for you to manifest something good for me after this past year of struggle. I'm tired, I'm beat, I kicked the person I love most in the world out of my house. I taught for a year and came up uncertain if I want to be a teacher. My best friend and I are falling apart. I got sick. Melissa moved to Australia.

I NEED something good now please. Give me a life and a small place to live with a good stove and an okay refrigerator and place for a dining room table so my friends and I can cook and drink wine and eat things I make for them. Give me a chance to just fall in love and not have it hurt so bad and have him not hurt so bad and maybe he and I can make tomato sauce together on Sunday afternoons and take some pictures or something? Give me a miracle in a shot at a baby in this ripped up tired body? Please universe, now would be the time to manifest me a miracle and a good happy life.

Please.